When I'm trying to be a mirror
When the writing of this
entry crossed my mind, the first memory I could recall was that when we were in
the kindergarten ready to get dressed in your section. There were just the
three of us, you, the boy and me. The boy somehow invited you to his birthday
party- I don't remember the exact words - and he added that you could bring me
along with yourself, but you replied, that "Don't invite her, she is
stupid." The boy seemed to be confused, and I felt the same to, because it
was rude of you, but on the other hand, it was sincere and truthful. You just
said what you thought; you didn't act like the loving sister like the most
people would do in the same situation. In the past I didn't pay it a lot of
attention, but now, when I think back to that moment I feel like you were
enough confident to show the "real you". I can't tell for sure
whether I've gone to that party or not, but I feel like I did.
My next memory is about a second birthday party. It was your friend too, as I can remember, the friend of yours had a beautiful swimming pool in their garden, but they didn't allow us to swim, however we got our first (I suppose it was the first) washable tattoo. I don't remember how did yours look, but I got a yellow fish with blue pattern. Our parents were truly mad at it, and when we were bathing we had to wash it off as much as we can. My skin was red when I finished with it, maybe yours too, you have such a white and sensitive skin.
Then when you were invited to Christie's house you bought me with you again. I remember where they lived; I remember her bedroom, the barbies we were playing with, her little brother, and the time when father came for us asking if we were having fun.
In school to. I tend to forget to bring white shocks with me and you were the one I could always turn to borrow from. And in the yard too. When they let us out at the same time, sometimes I could join you.
And when you changed school and you had new friends who you could hang out with, you didn't forget me. Do you remember the time you take me with you to the Babist temple?
We queued a lot. We were making candles, nice envelops with kind letters, soaps, and so on. In the school everyone called you by your fist name, but for me it was natural to use your nickname. When they heard your nickname they repeated it saying it's cute.
This is just one of your sides. But I know, that there's something what keeps disturbing you, and I know nothing about it. I felt like, there is no way for me to help, even if I'd like, but today an idea crossed my mind.
Not a long time ago, when we were re-watching and old video at our weekend house by our nursery times, you said that I was "more active" at your masking party then you. Now this was disturbing me.
Because I don't want you to believe that I was the "active" one.
I'm sure that you have a lot of on your mind these days, but I don't want you to be wrong.
Expect the first time you won't even compliment once, you didn't say anything about me being a burden for you, even when I addressed you by your nickname, you didn’t say, that I was awkward for you.
You know sometimes I don't want some people to visit our home, but not because of our family, but because of my behaviour with you. I'm the kind of people who afraid to hurt others, who can't be angry for a long time, and who seem to be not taking anything seriously at all. I'd like if the others take me seriously but this is really hard to achieve with the personally I have. And with you I can't be anyone else but myself.
We don't seem to take after each other at all, just like in this case. You were just okay by yourself, by who you are. I hope that you really understand what I’m trying to express.
For a second I want you to see yourself with my own eyes. I see you sincere, strong, brave, kind hearted, ambitious, and persistent.
What I wrote is not even close to the one I wanted to, but I only came up with the idea of writing this about one and a half, or maybe already two hours ago, and I have this bad habit that if I don't do something right after I figured it out, I maybe won't do it ever. So I did it now.
I feel a little confused, because I feel like I show too much about me and it's a little scary but I will be brave enough to publish this.
Now, I really, hope, that you are closer to how big you can grow, and I know, that I tend to give you hard times, but I want you to be the whole not just a part of it, you shiny queen
Cecile
My next memory is about a second birthday party. It was your friend too, as I can remember, the friend of yours had a beautiful swimming pool in their garden, but they didn't allow us to swim, however we got our first (I suppose it was the first) washable tattoo. I don't remember how did yours look, but I got a yellow fish with blue pattern. Our parents were truly mad at it, and when we were bathing we had to wash it off as much as we can. My skin was red when I finished with it, maybe yours too, you have such a white and sensitive skin.
Then when you were invited to Christie's house you bought me with you again. I remember where they lived; I remember her bedroom, the barbies we were playing with, her little brother, and the time when father came for us asking if we were having fun.
In school to. I tend to forget to bring white shocks with me and you were the one I could always turn to borrow from. And in the yard too. When they let us out at the same time, sometimes I could join you.
And when you changed school and you had new friends who you could hang out with, you didn't forget me. Do you remember the time you take me with you to the Babist temple?
We queued a lot. We were making candles, nice envelops with kind letters, soaps, and so on. In the school everyone called you by your fist name, but for me it was natural to use your nickname. When they heard your nickname they repeated it saying it's cute.
This is just one of your sides. But I know, that there's something what keeps disturbing you, and I know nothing about it. I felt like, there is no way for me to help, even if I'd like, but today an idea crossed my mind.
Not a long time ago, when we were re-watching and old video at our weekend house by our nursery times, you said that I was "more active" at your masking party then you. Now this was disturbing me.
Because I don't want you to believe that I was the "active" one.
I'm sure that you have a lot of on your mind these days, but I don't want you to be wrong.
Expect the first time you won't even compliment once, you didn't say anything about me being a burden for you, even when I addressed you by your nickname, you didn’t say, that I was awkward for you.
You know sometimes I don't want some people to visit our home, but not because of our family, but because of my behaviour with you. I'm the kind of people who afraid to hurt others, who can't be angry for a long time, and who seem to be not taking anything seriously at all. I'd like if the others take me seriously but this is really hard to achieve with the personally I have. And with you I can't be anyone else but myself.
We don't seem to take after each other at all, just like in this case. You were just okay by yourself, by who you are. I hope that you really understand what I’m trying to express.
For a second I want you to see yourself with my own eyes. I see you sincere, strong, brave, kind hearted, ambitious, and persistent.
What I wrote is not even close to the one I wanted to, but I only came up with the idea of writing this about one and a half, or maybe already two hours ago, and I have this bad habit that if I don't do something right after I figured it out, I maybe won't do it ever. So I did it now.
I feel a little confused, because I feel like I show too much about me and it's a little scary but I will be brave enough to publish this.
Now, I really, hope, that you are closer to how big you can grow, and I know, that I tend to give you hard times, but I want you to be the whole not just a part of it, you shiny queen
Cecile
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