Our double-faced world

Clearly, I haven't been here for a very long time. Plenty of things happened with me since then. Good and not-too-good stuff to.

Let me explain.

First of all, I graduated from high school. The results-my grades didn't come out to be bad, but I've expected a way better. In fact, I spent most of my time learning history and it turned out to be the worst. I had never studied that much for any of my exams. This was my first great disappointment.
The ceremony, where we were given our certification was fantastic. After that I didn't come home right away, I went out with my friends. We had a funny talk about serious and everything-except-serious things. The four of us having fun, smiling, laughing and so on. 

 

The next thing what’s worth to be mentioned is my banquet. I loved that. It was so nice. However I really enjoyed myself I couldn’t forget that this could be the last time I saw all of my classmates all together. I know that we will see each other some when, but that absolutely won’t be the same. My father asked me not to came home too late, and basically I’m a good girl, so I obeyed and headed home after our banquet came to an end. The four of us (again) walked through the bridge in the rain singing silly things, chasing after each other, telling really terrible jokes. So we were just having fun again. Lot of fun. When we got on the train there were just us. We could do anything; climb on the handrail, open all the windows and play supermen or a supermodel in the headwind, anything you can imagine.

This felt like living. I will never ever forget that.

Then, after the disappointment of my final examination in high school I decided work somewhere during the summer. I still wasn’t over the history exam matter, but I decided to move on (the best thing to do in my opinion). I went to the library with my mother to take out some book about my future work. I started to study them, when one day (to be accurate today) evening I decided to go out with some mates of mine. I was also having fun, when somehow I mentioned that what I’m going to work. Then I faced with another disappointment. One of them told me, that they’ve tried it out (the company, where he works) and it wasn’t successful at all. He also said, that he doesn’t want to embitter me, but I have to be prepared, that I’m also unlikely to succeed. 

Okay, I know that this seems to be not that bad. I’m still young. I can start over again if I want to. But I just entered the life of an adult and I didn’t expect to face this amount of sadness. Today when I was alone sitting on the tram, on my way back home, I experienced something new. I was tired, and disappointed. Again. 

I have friends who couldn’t pay their taxes and had to sell their house, moving to a small apartment what they could possibly afford. I know people who moved to a new, bigger place so they didn’t buy any Christmas present to each other, because they spent all the money they had. I read a lot of articles about poor people living in Africa and somewhere far away. I saw pictures about starving children. I learnt about countries where people only expected to live till their forties.

I know that, I accept that. END.

But today, when I was sitting on that tram looking out of the window, watching the city light in the night through the pouring rain a new dimension appeared in front of me. I got a hint about what could they really feel.

 

Like when you’re in the nature during the summer. You are taking a rest. Everything’s warm, sunny, and you’re friendly with the circumstances. Then suddenly you feel the cold expiration of death; the outpost of a new king of world, what’s loaded with pain, misery, failure and pity. 

You’ve always been aware of that this world exists too. But it seemed to be so distant that you didn’t really paid it more attention.

I think now I’m more likely to understand it.

The uncertainty, the fear they feel.

That fact, how suffocating this can be. 

I’ve never wanted to be a person who lives comfortably knowing nothing about the world. I want to be wise someday. However experiencing this can’t be described as something pleasant, maybe it’s necessary.

I still don’t know how to relate to this topic; to experience things what’s involves get to know about life itself - what I don’t want to miss - but on the other hand what holds this painful emotions.

I am really confused. And tired. I can barely keep my eyes open so I got to go bed now.
I know, that I supposed to say something in conclusion, but I just can't figure out what could it be. Sorry about that, guys.